I've got good news!

Unfortunately it has been a long time since I last wrote anything. After our trip to Finland I haven't been in the mood or even remembered to do it. The holiday was mainly good, we were lucky with weather and my big brother is a married man now. I think my favourite day was when we went horse riding near a national park called Koli and after went to see the landscapes with a friend. It felt so good to speak Finnish and to speak with a girl. About girly things! I have always wanted to take D horse riding so it was really cool.

There's been ups and downs. I guess I've been most worried about D's drinking. He hates his job and it makes him unhappy so he drinks. I feel bad because I can't make him happy enough to make it worth it. Or help enough with finding a new job. Many times I feel like I am not enough or maybe if I was different he would be happier. When he drinks I become a nail biting nagger who wants him to slow down and drink a glass of water. Recently it has been a lot better though and he is really into photography. He is getting really good too! Today we have known each other for 4 years so we will celebrate it with a film and some prosecco. On Sunday we are going out for a meal as well. Can't wait! I do love him so much. :)

Work has been quite stressful because nothing there is organized and I don't get a weekly rota so I'm basically always available and waiting for a phone call that doesn't come many enough times a week. I also lost my chef friend for a few months because he had to go to prison. Now I have a pen pal in prison! Anyway, I sent my CV out to a few places about three weeks ago and guess what...? I'VE GOT A NEW JOB!! Full time, weekly rotas, closer to home. I feel really stressed though. I've been working my notice this week and tomorrow is my last shift at the old place but facing this new challenge just scares me more than I want to admit. I need to learn to carry more plates and I need to learn to silver serve. I'll be trained behind the bar and reception as well. I am so crap at spelling names though... And phone calls still scare me too much. I'm sure this was a good move though. I am proud of myself. I just hope they like me.

I also passed my sommelier course and received my apprenticeship and NVQ certificates. Hmm, what else.. Nero is good. I have been seeing a girl from work in my free time which is awesome. I want to start saving up for driving lessons.. And DSLR.. and a holiday.. and a house deposit.. and and and..

More next time!

I have been mean to myself

First of all, I am sorry I haven't been writing for a while (Not that anybody follows this blog but anyway). It just never felt like a good time.

Let's start with the good news. I have finished all my home work and passed all my tests for my apprenticeship and this is my last week as an apprentice. Well, they can still make me work next Tuesday on £2.68/hour but after that they either pay me a human beings wage or I'm not working for them. The plan is that when we come back from Finland I will start looking for something else. Everybody else seems to be more positive about my chances to get a new job than me but that is because last time it seemed impossible. And yes, Finland in 9 DAYS!!!

I feel a bit confused at the minute about what happens when I come back because my manager hasn't come back to me about it. I told him that for me to stay there I want at least 25 hours a week on a minimum wage and he told me he would have a chat with his wife about it and come back to me. The thing is that he doesn't want to spend money he doesn't have to. What they tend to do is to get young waitresses because they are cheaper. But! I know our regulars, I am hard working, I know what to do, you don't have to ask me to do stuff, I can use the espresso machine and I know a little bit about wines. Definitely more than your average 16-year-old. My manager also seems to try and guilt me to stay with little comments like "don't forget I invested a £1000 in you when I paid for your sommelier course".. Well he will be in for a surprise if everything goes well.

Then the bad news. We have recently changed gas companies and were waiting for the final bill when we realized we are in shit. We have been getting estimated bills for two years and because they have been a lot less than what we have actually spent we now owe that gas company about £2500. We don't have that sort of money. Maybe they can offer us a deal where we can pay it every month for a year or two but it means we are going to struggle. We didn't need this. But then again it is partly our own fault. Also I have felt quite depressed recently. It's like going through your teenage years all over again! I keep thinking negative, hurting myself with ugly thoughts, comparing myself to other women, feeling worthless and small. How do I stop this and start loving myself and giving myself the respect I deserve?! Probably it is just all this stress and we have had a couple of arguments recently. I really hope our holiday will help us relax a little. Here's a few positive pictures!

One beautiful Sunday we had a ride to Newark and enjoyed live music and soft drinks. It was a nice Sunday.

Nero likes boxes, Nero is a cat.

I went for a walk on one of my mega breaks.

Horses, good wine, bad wine, tears and stuff

Ok so since I am home early on a Saturday night and I need to wait for my wine to get cold in the fridge, I have a good moment to write on here. Today we had a lot of staff in at work so you would expect everything to go fine. Well, it didn't. It was one of those days when you make one mistakes and the domino effect happens. Lots of things went wrong, we weren't organised, the manager was in a bad mood and we had a new girl in who felt nervous on her first shift. Because we had too much staff in (rare) the manager said one of us has to go home. The other girls told me to go. I felt guilty but because I was really tired and stressed I didn't say no. I was just about to leave when my waitress friend told me the new girl is upstairs crying because the manager told her off for putting the knives and forks on the table on wrong sides. I went to see if she was alright and to tell her the manager is like that with everybody and has made all waitresses cry. I told her he does it because he is stressed and that eventually you learn to ignore him and his mean comments. Then the third waitress came to the same room to talk to her as well and just when she was going to go back, the manager came in and was really angry because none of us was working and sent us all home! Early night then.. Let's see what happens next week. I don't think I will see this new girl again.

Me and D have both been quite tired and stressed recently and as usual we haven't had a lot of time together this week. We have been arguing over the smallest things and hurt each others' feelings which I feel really bad about. I am also trying to lose a couple of kilos before we go to Finland so I've been hungry and grumpy, D has been tired because of work and unfortunately people seem to be meanest to the people they care about the most so... Well, it wasn't the happiest week but it's almost over now. Now we are good though and D is cooking burgers for us and cuddling with the cat and damn is that the most lovely sight in the world.

<3

But! I have been meaning to write about this horse race I went to last Saturday. The day didn't start too well. I had been looking forward to wearing a dress for ages but the morning was cold and grey so I felt disappointed but decided to put jeans and boots on instead. When we went to meet the rest of the group I saw that I was the only girl who wasn't wearing a dress. All other girls had done their hair and chosen pretty dresses and shoes to go with them. Then the sun came out. I felt so horrible and different that I felt like crying. I don't understand why I reacted so strongly, I didn't know I cared so much. But once we got to the race course I was happy again. :) We lost all the money we bet on horses but that's the idea isn't it? Unfortunately I missed a few races in the pub and fish & chips queues but I did enjoy the day. And at the end of the day I was the winner because the evening was really cold and we had to wait for a taxi for an hour and all the other girls were freezing and somebody said to me she would give anything to have a pair of jeans.

I am also quite getting into wines now. I mean the drinking bit, I love buying a bottle I never tried before but I still don't have time for the books..... Ooops. I really need to start reading. But it is difficult! All them foreign words and every country has different rules and I have no idea how to tell if a wine is full bodied or medium bodied or if it goes with greasy fish or less greasy fish. A couple of weeks ago I bought a bottle that was on offer and when I went home and opened the bottle I realized it was badly oxidized. It smelt sweet and the colour was brown when it was supposed to be a white wine. I should have taken it back but never did. Oh well. But here's some pictures of all the wines I have bought since I wrote on here last time. Once I know a bit more about what I'm talking about I will maybe write something about them as well. But my new favourite red wine is Rioja. At least the ones I have tried so far have been absolutely beautiful.

Oxidized and horrible

I gave Muscadet another chance.

I love it!

I'll open this one in a minute.

More random pictures:

D's Easter surprise for me :)

I had to ask somebody to help me because I was too short to reach for the pepsi max.

I made the most beautiful milk shake with strawberries, Irish cream, vanilla ice cream and milk

Can you tell this was cooked by an English man? It makes my heart melt though. <3

Ps. 41 days until Finland!

Dreams

A few years ago I didn't really have any clear dreams, I just wanted to be safe, happy and healthy. These days I do recognize a few things I feel passionate about or that I dream about.

Here is my top three:

1. Family and children
2. Holiday in Australia
3. A cruise on the rebuilt Titanic

Now, let's explain these:

1. Family and children

When I was a child I told everyone I would never have children because giving a birth hurts. When I was a teenager I though maybe one day I will have children if I find the right partner. These days I feel I won't die happy if I never had the chance to have a child. I just know it would be the most emotional thing ever to do a positive pregnancy test.. No, it would be the most emotional moment when you see your child for the first time. Anyway I know it is what I need for my life to feel complete.. If you can ever feel complete.

The problem here is that my partner doesn't know if he will ever be ready to be a father. It does feel like a big problem because children are my dream number one but then again he is a dream come true as well. He is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I understand that at the minute we are not earning enough, I am not old enough, the place where we live isn't good enough etc. etc. But I want to know it is possible in the future. And yes, I know everybody can't have children.

2. Australia

I have felt passionate about this for years. Maybe because it's so far away, maybe because of the sun, definitely because of the nature and all the strange, beautiful animals. The most amazing thing to do there would be to go horse back hiking with a camera. I do love taking pictures and usually see my holidays through a lens. But I want a good camera! Maybe I should add it to my list? D has some family in Australia so I cannot see this being impossible. The problem is that you need to spend pretty much all your holidays to be able to see enough and flights and everything are so expensive. Definitely one day!

3. Titanic

Titanic II - Blue Star Line

Look at it, just look at it!

I mean it is beautiful, it is full of history, it's got old looking stuff in it. Millie loves old looking stuff! But it's not just about that. For years I have been having this dream where I get on Titanic and sail away. I suppose it is kinda symbolic and maybe it shows how much I want to leave all stress and worries behind. I love the sea. I love that feeling when all you can see is water. I think water is beautiful. I always hate waking up from my Titanic dreams. And PLEASE don't think I want to do this because of the film or because of Leonardo DiCaprio. No, I feel passionate about the ship and the sea and the journey! Then again I would love any cruise. I would love to go to Finland by going to Germany or Denmark on a ferry and then we would have to catch trains and stuff to Sweden and then maybe another ferry from Sweden to Finland and more trains.... You would need a lot of time and money for this though...

BUT.. I know this will not happen. I'm 99% sure. I will never have that much money and if I will, it would be wrong to spend it on such a selfish thing when I could buy a deposit for a house or something. But maybe if I win the lottery.. I suppose I should start doing lottery first to win the lottery. I have heard your chances are still fairly small though. Hmm...

Here's a few other things I would love to have

• A really good camera
• A Savannah cat
• A career in midwifery or photography 
• Traveling, traveling, more traveling
• A road trip around Finland in summer
• I want to see a Muse gig
• I want to make a song
• I want to learn more languages
• Food, food, food and a fit body after all that food. :)

Challenging Saturday night at work

Last week I was not looking forward to Saturday because the only other waitress that we have left couldn't work. Then I heard that one of my managers is going to Italy for the weekend. The manager who actually works and is more organised. The one who stayed is actually quite lazy and would rather just drink wine behind the bar than serve customers. My only hope was this pot washer girl who they had asked to work as a waitress (with no waiting on experience) and my managers wife. On Friday I was supposed to train this new girl for a couple of hours, just so she can learn while it's a bit quieter. Friday was a disaster. The new girl was very shy and wouldn't do anything if I didn't tell her to. I was doing everything from greeting and seating the customers to making drinks and serving food. The only thing my manager did was taking food orders and one of them was wrong so that it was me who looked stupid serving duck instead of pigeon to this lady who wasn't happy with anything that night. What did he write down when taking the order? "Bird"??

On Saturday I heard my managers wife couldn't work either.. It was just me, the new girl and my manager left. I worked hard that day to make sure everything is ready for the evening. I didn't want to run around the restaurant trying to find lemons or knives, run to a local shop for milk or do anything at the last minute. I also asked if I could have a shorter brake just to make sure I have time to prepare everything and train this girl a bit more. At some point I went to the kitchen to update the chefs that the customer number went up by 4. They were annoyed that it was me who had to do all the communicating with the kitchen because nobody else will. Then something very important happened. The new Italian head chef who usually doesn't take any part in complaining and is quite strict when it comes to work turned to me and said something like this "Millie today you are the boss (he used some Italian work I cannot remember), I want you to be in control and communicate with the kitchen because this evening is going to be a big challenge and the manager is useless". In that moment my small wage didn't matter or anything that's happened with my managers. This slightly scary chef who owns a restaurant in Italy and who everybody respects just trusted me with responsibility and kinda showed me respect. And we actually survived.

I don't know what was happening in my body that night. Maybe it was the stress or concentration but people kept wondering why my face was so red and pupils really wide. One of the chefs asked me if I had taken some drugs. (I hope customers didn't think that). I couldn't be more happy about having the new girl in though. She was brilliant, doing her job without being told to, not stopping, doing her best. I know it wasn't the most professional night ever but everybody got their food without a lot of waiting, nobody complained (yet)... As soon as the night got a little bit quieter the manager went to the office with a sandwich and left us to serve the rest of the customers and then to clean up and set everything up. I was proud of myself and the other girl. I felt important. At the end of the night the head chef said "Good service tonight".. It felt so nice. I told the other girl how happy I was with her. I said thank you for doing this. I knew the manager never would. His advice to me was "Try not to explain too much to the new girl. If nobody helps her she will get stressed and she will have to create a plan and survive on her own." WHAT?? She is completely new, no experience, she is nervous and needs to know that she is allowed to ask any questions if she needs to. I want her to feel confident, not nervous. Now I know why he gets annoyed every time I need to ask a question or need help. I am not saying it doesn't work on somebody but I am definitely the sort of person who will try harder after a compliment than after being told off.

Sorry I keep writing about work so much. Next time I will write about something positive. :)

Here's a few pictures from last week.

Wine course

I took this on a bus with two floors.. what are they called??

Nero after an embarrassing moment in a bath tube

Split shifts, less home time, less money.

Last week one of my bosses came to me and said he wants to give me more hours. "It means more money, you should be happy." Fair enough. On Sunday he showed me the new rota. So far I've been working from 4pm until we finish on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday and cleaned the restaurant on Mondays for a few hours in day time. Now he wants me to work the following hours: Tuesday 6pm-finish, Thursday, Friday and Saturday 12-15 and 18-finish. So I'm losing all my Monday hours and two hours on Tuesday. On Thursday, Friday and Saturday I will be working one hour more that usual but I will have to sacrifice four hours more for work each day because on that 3 hour break I cannot get home and back. I have no idea what to do with that time? I really can't afford to go shopping or eat out. No way.. I'm trying to save money for Finland. At the minute I usually get about £80 a week. I try to save half of it. So let's say I have £40 for myself per week. My weekly bus ticket is £12. Ok so I have £28 left. This is supposed to be enough for cat food, human food, cat litter, hygiene etc etc. This week I have to buy Nero's flea drops and food. That's £30 gone. I also just ran out of shampoo and conditioner. Maybe I can't save half of my weekly wage. Again.

Last week I was at work every single day. Wednesday is my day off but I go to that sommelier course which is at work so it is not really a day off. And then my managers dared to make me and the other waitress to set and clear tables and clean up after! We don't get paid for it and it was my only day off all week! Usually Sunday is my day off as well but because it was mother's day and we were full and I was the only waitress who could do it, I had to do it. Well yesterday I went cleaning again and was hoping to get this Tuesday off. Because of the new rota it was a problem so I am expected to work without a proper day off until Sunday again? Well my manager promised to phone me today if he doesn't need me. I still can't plan anything and have to be ready to go... Funny that he just phoned me when I was writing this. Ok I'm not going to work, let's stop moaning then. :)

I am really looking forward to going to Finland and I bought a little sandwich box for saving money in. I really want to see the amount grow! But Finland is not the only thing I am looking forward to. We are going to see a horse race in about three weeks time. It will be my first gallop race ever and since I really like horses I am really excited about it. I really hope they find another waitress to help in the restaurant.. I am just thinking of my waitress friend, not them two managers so much. I am so happy she is still there. I only see her on weekends and on the course but seeing her really motivates me. Her and one of the chefs. Please don't leave before me! Because I know they both want to. Anyway, about the race! I hope that I get lucky and win some money. I will choose a horse with the nicest name or colour and hope that will do it. I also hope it is going to be a nice day. I really want to wear a summery dress.

Any ideas on what I could do on my 3 hour breaks? So far I am thinking that I could take my wine books to work and if I'm allowed to stay there I could do some studying. Then MAYBE if there is a swimming hall somewhere close enough and they are open, I could start swimming. Maybe just stupid long walks. I could kill that time online but I am not taking my laptop to work. Hmmm.. Heeeelp!

Ps. 66 days until Finland!

I miss you!

My blog is about my life with an English man. The sad thing is that we don't get that much time together so many of my posts are more about me and my life than our life together. This is what it's like:

A typical Tuesday

7am. The alarm goes off for the third time and D has to get up for work. He is grumpy and tired, he hates mornings just like I do. I can hear him smoking his electronic cigarette for a minute before he leaves the warmth of the bed. When he's ready to go I get a quick kiss and he says he loves me. I try and stay awake to hear him lock the door.

10am. It's D's first brake at work and I get a text from him. This is usually the sign for me to finally get up. The text is always similar "morning princess, how are you? love you xXx D xXx" etc. I reply with one eye open and kick myself out of bed. It's ridiculous that I waste my time by sleeping so much. I still feel tired, have a headache and can't be bothered to do anything.

The first thing I do when I get up is to find out if I have any chocolate or something else I fancy. I know it's not good for me. This needs to change. Then I spend the next couple of hours online. Killing time, checking my Facebook. This is the time I should be cleaning the house. I feel guilty when I can't keep the house clean. My boyfriend doesn't have a warm meal waiting when he comes home.

12:30pm. D's next brake and I receive my second text. "How is your day going?" The thing is, our texts are always similar because every day is similar. Around 12:30 I am always about to take a bath or a shower after which I will dry my hair, do my make up and do my hair. I can't really do my hair so it is always a ponytail which makes me look bald. I hate it.

14:20pm. I set off for work. Half an hour on the first bus. Then I walk through town to get to the second one which will take me where I work. I start at 4pm. but I'm always there for about 15:35pm. Time to send D a quick text because I won't have a chance for the rest of the evening. I start work at 4pm. D finishes work at 4pm. I wish I had a chance to call him quickly just to hear his voice but it is time to face people at work. On weekdays I am the only female in there so I get a lot of compliments and attention. I wish I got more of them from D.

10:30-12:00pm. I am about to finish work so I call D. He has to pick me up on a motorbike no matter what weather. I hate how I can't afford a car. I definitely cannot afford a taxi home and buses aren't running anymore. D arrives, is tired and just wants to go home. I feel guilty and shit about the situation. What can I do? If he doesn't want me to quit there is nothing I can do.

One hour later: As soon as we go home we have to go to bed. D is usually ready first and is in bed before me. He reads the news on his iPad. He is tired. I take my trousers and top off, he doesn't take his eyes off the iPad. I turn the lights off feeling sad he didn't pay attention to me when I was feeling pretty. I shouldn't be annoyed though, he needs to be up early in the morning and we need to sleep. We spoon for a moment which is my favourite part of the day even though I wish it lasted longer. I wish we kissed more. Wednesday will be exactly the same.

Sunday

It's my day off. It's also D's day off. It is our chance to have a good time together. If it is a sunny day I feel we HAVE TO go out. D is always worried about money. He is never excited about going out to start with but is always happy we went. Often we end up doing the same thing. We go for a ride on beautiful country roads, go for a picnic in a nice place or maybe fish & chips. I don't care I just want to enjoy the sun and enjoy my boyfriend. We often stop at a country pub for one drink. I love the atmosphere in them and if it's sunny, there is nothing better than a beer garden. Let's hold hands for a moment. Let's not worry about tomorrow. D is not extremely romantic but I know he loves me. Why would he pick me up after a long day at work in rain on 5 or 6 days a week if he didn't?  Why would he go and buy me medicines when I'm ill or make me a cup of tea when I'm crying? Why would he want to punch my managers in the face when they make me cry? He does a lot for me and is there for me when I need him. And when we do have a really good time, it is all worth it.

In the evening we will maybe watch a film and I will have a long hot bath. I decide this time I will be more interesting than anything that is happening in the world. Tonight he will see me. Black lace, do your job.

Ps. 71 days until Finland!