...and then I met an English man.: I have been mean to myself

First of all, I am sorry I haven't been writing for a while (Not that anybody follows this blog but anyway). It just never felt like a good time.

Let's start with the good news. I have finished all my home work and passed all my tests for my apprenticeship and this is my last week as an apprentice. Well, they can still make me work next Tuesday on £2.68/hour but after that they either pay me a human beings wage or I'm not working for them. The plan is that when we come back from Finland I will start looking for something else. Everybody else seems to be more positive about my chances to get a new job than me but that is because last time it seemed impossible. And yes, Finland in 9 DAYS!!!

I feel a bit confused at the minute about what happens when I come back because my manager hasn't come back to me about it. I told him that for me to stay there I want at least 25 hours a week on a minimum wage and he told me he would have a chat with his wife about it and come back to me. The thing is that he doesn't want to spend money he doesn't have to. What they tend to do is to get young waitresses because they are cheaper. But! I know our regulars, I am hard working, I know what to do, you don't have to ask me to do stuff, I can use the espresso machine and I know a little bit about wines. Definitely more than your average 16-year-old. My manager also seems to try and guilt me to stay with little comments like "don't forget I invested a £1000 in you when I paid for your sommelier course".. Well he will be in for a surprise if everything goes well.

Then the bad news. We have recently changed gas companies and were waiting for the final bill when we realized we are in shit. We have been getting estimated bills for two years and because they have been a lot less than what we have actually spent we now owe that gas company about £2500. We don't have that sort of money. Maybe they can offer us a deal where we can pay it every month for a year or two but it means we are going to struggle. We didn't need this. But then again it is partly our own fault. Also I have felt quite depressed recently. It's like going through your teenage years all over again! I keep thinking negative, hurting myself with ugly thoughts, comparing myself to other women, feeling worthless and small. How do I stop this and start loving myself and giving myself the respect I deserve?! Probably it is just all this stress and we have had a couple of arguments recently. I really hope our holiday will help us relax a little. Here's a few positive pictures!