I have been mean to myself

First of all, I am sorry I haven't been writing for a while (Not that anybody follows this blog but anyway). It just never felt like a good time.

Let's start with the good news. I have finished all my home work and passed all my tests for my apprenticeship and this is my last week as an apprentice. Well, they can still make me work next Tuesday on £2.68/hour but after that they either pay me a human beings wage or I'm not working for them. The plan is that when we come back from Finland I will start looking for something else. Everybody else seems to be more positive about my chances to get a new job than me but that is because last time it seemed impossible. And yes, Finland in 9 DAYS!!!

I feel a bit confused at the minute about what happens when I come back because my manager hasn't come back to me about it. I told him that for me to stay there I want at least 25 hours a week on a minimum wage and he told me he would have a chat with his wife about it and come back to me. The thing is that he doesn't want to spend money he doesn't have to. What they tend to do is to get young waitresses because they are cheaper. But! I know our regulars, I am hard working, I know what to do, you don't have to ask me to do stuff, I can use the espresso machine and I know a little bit about wines. Definitely more than your average 16-year-old. My manager also seems to try and guilt me to stay with little comments like "don't forget I invested a £1000 in you when I paid for your sommelier course".. Well he will be in for a surprise if everything goes well.

Then the bad news. We have recently changed gas companies and were waiting for the final bill when we realized we are in shit. We have been getting estimated bills for two years and because they have been a lot less than what we have actually spent we now owe that gas company about £2500. We don't have that sort of money. Maybe they can offer us a deal where we can pay it every month for a year or two but it means we are going to struggle. We didn't need this. But then again it is partly our own fault. Also I have felt quite depressed recently. It's like going through your teenage years all over again! I keep thinking negative, hurting myself with ugly thoughts, comparing myself to other women, feeling worthless and small. How do I stop this and start loving myself and giving myself the respect I deserve?! Probably it is just all this stress and we have had a couple of arguments recently. I really hope our holiday will help us relax a little. Here's a few positive pictures!

One beautiful Sunday we had a ride to Newark and enjoyed live music and soft drinks. It was a nice Sunday.

Nero likes boxes, Nero is a cat.

I went for a walk on one of my mega breaks.

I can't wait to finish my apprenticeship.. Ps. our flights to Finland have been booked!

Sorry it's been a while, I've been quite busy and stressed. When I moved to England I really struggled to find work. I worked in a factory packing cosmetics for a few weeks during a busy Christmas period in 2012 and volunteered in a charity shop for a few months in 2013 but I was reaaally struggling without English references or work experience in England. I sort of got desperate and since I mainly got interviews for apprenticeships I started applying more and more for them simply because I didn't have any money left at all. I couldn't get any benefits and I'd spent all my savings. I will write about all this another time because I have a lot to say but now I just wanted to tell you how I ended up doing an apprenticeship in food & beverage service in an Italian restaurant. I was desperate.

Let me tell you how it's been so far. The first months were quite different. The place was owned by another person who actually cared about his staff in some ways. He was a lot like a fatherly figure who always remembered to ask how I was and if everything was ok. He would see it as soon as I walked in if something was wrong or if I didn't feel well. He used to join us when we had a barbeque or went paint balling. We were a very happy team and did loads together. Sometimes when it wasn't busy we would play hide and seek in the restaurant with the chefs and we always used to have a laptop in the kitchen and everybody took turns choosing which song to play next on Youtube. We still had problems, we didn't have contracts, we got paid late, I was used as a pot washed way too often and not really trained enough.

Unfortunately the old owner decided to sell the restaurant to two younger men, Italian as well. The place couldn't feel more different. They don't care about the staff. They don't want you to enjoy your job. They treat you like you're a dog. Everything you hear from them is negative and if they're not in a good mood you get told off for stupid little things all night until you feel like you cannot do anything right. They think they are allowed to come and touch you in ways that I find uncomfortable, give you kisses or push you around. They think they can tell me to fuck off when they feel like they want to be alone. They argue with each other all the time. I am not allowed to talk with other staff anymore. Especially not with the chefs who are my best friends in the work place. I am not allowed to stop for a moment to think if I'm not sure about something. "DON'T THINK JUST DO".. We are supposed to be robot dogs who smile at the customers but are not allowed to enjoy the work. Usually if I smile at work one of my managers asks me "why are you smiling?"... Do I need a reason? Usually he wants to know if it's because I've had sex last night. How is it his business anyway. So far the head chef and two waitresses have quit. Everybody is leaving and I have to stay for another 3 months. But I need to finish what I've started!  And after it's over we are going to FINLAND :DD My brother is getting married and I will see my youngest nephew for the first time. I cannot wait.

Another thing I wanted to tell everybody.. My cappuccinos are getting better! The other night I tried to make a cappuccino and I asked one of my managers if I have improved. His answer was "no".. Very blunt. I asked him what was wrong with it and he ignored me and walked away. I am supposed to be trained in that place, not washing shitty toilet seats, trained! This makes me angry because they just use me as cheap work force. I would like to be learning something when I'm getting paid the ridiculous £2.68 an hour, when it always comes late and when they steal our tips. Well I thought they can't stop me from learning this. I spent a long time on youtube watching people make cappuccinos and lattes and the next time I went to work I bought my own milk and steamed it until it was perfect. I still can't do latte art but at least they taste nice. :)